no one should ever give us hovercrafts
His hands were made for my vagina.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
