apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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