the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
only if we run a train.
done.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize