saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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