My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Your dad touched me again.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
