Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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