I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
