I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
