I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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