So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
