I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
