also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize