At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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