he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
