somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
