Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize