hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
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