My liver just broke up with me...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
