I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
