I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
