It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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