WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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