It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
