Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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