I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
