I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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