dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
