So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize