I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
