Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My vagina is officially offended.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
