R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
The best revenge is premature balding
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
