i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
