so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Randomize
