drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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