A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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