just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize