Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
