2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize