she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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