fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
