i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
