I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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