You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize