It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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