you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
