My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
