Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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