I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
