Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
