i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
