Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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