I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
