I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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