the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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