Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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