So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
