if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
